Zine 5/Zine - Issue 05 (1990-06)(Brainstorm).adf/TXT/36

Text File | 1990-01-01 | 3.9 KB | 59 lines

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and
be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe
was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely
regarded as a bad move. Many races believe that it was created by some sort
of god, though the Paralamian people of Viltvodle VI believe that the
entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called
the GREAT GREEN ARKLESEIZURE. The Paralamians, who live in perpetual
fear of the time they call 'The Coming of The Great White Handkerchief', are
small blue creatures with more than fifty arms each, who are therefore
unique in being the only race in history to have invented the aerosol
deodorant before the wheel... But however, these theories were not
accepted by all races. For instance, a race of hyperintelligent
pan-dimensional beings once built themselves a gigantic supercomputer
called ATARI to calculate once and for all the Answer to the Ultimate
Question of Life, the Universe and Everything. For seven and a half
million years, ATARI computed and calculated, and in the end announced
that the another, even bigger, computer had to be built to find out what
the actual question was - This computer was called AMIGA.
The history of the AMIGA is one of idealism, despair, struggle,
passion, success, failure and enormously long lunch-breaks
(quoted from an interview with 'DC.L',
17th acting editor of the famous Hardware
References Manual). The earliest origins of the Amiga are now,
along with most of its financial records, lost in the mists of time.
For other, and more curious theories about where they're lost,
see below. Most of the surviving stories, however, speak of a 'DC.L'. 'DC.L',
it is said, built the Amiga, established its fundamental principals of
honesty and idealism and went bust by the Guru-Meditation number
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.8392830893... and then,
PD-stuff, a girl, sitting in front of her Amiga 2000 copying the latest stuff
for a swiss seller group that recently published an interview in the Cracker
Journal, suddenly realised what it was that had been going wrong all
this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good
and happy place. This time it
was right, it wouldork, and no-one would have to get nailed to anything.
Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it,
she was instantaneously dematerialized by a parachuting mutant member
of the Quacktex hit squad, who handeled his extremely powerful
Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol (which fired blistering  Omni-Destructo Zap rays)
like an expert. In order of Lord Pim, the Quacktex leader, he continued with
this wave of destruction throughout Europe to eliminate all competitors.
Lord Pim used to watch these executions live in his coloured, penis formed
live transmitter on his spaceship which just happened to be situated far
out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western
spiral arm of the galaxy, fifty-three degrees east of a small unregarded
yellow sun, orbiting at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles.
This, the 'STARSHIP TITANIC' was a monstrously pretty sight as it lay beached
like a silver megavoidic whale amongst the laer lit tracery of its construction gantries, a brilliant cloud
of pins and needles of light against the deep interstellar blackness.
Inspired by this exciting live execution, his brain, which in fact
is an empty coke bottle that was placed on the wrong place,
feeled ready for a intelligent reconstruction of JULIUS CAESARS' 'veni vidi vici'
: 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' he said... -> TO BE CONTINUED...
From now on, you'll see in every issue of this mag new
stories from life, the universe and everything#
DESASTER AREA - SOUTH AFRICA (inspired by DOUGLAS ADAMS)